January 12th, 2010

Hesitation

Finally feeling a bit more human again today - though I still haven't experienced any of what I'd consider "real" side effects, the discomfort and general lassitude peaking the week after my chemo rounds have continued to build. After spending several hours at the ER late last Thursday night, I made it on Friday to my last scheduled chemo treatment and mostly slept through it, then did the same for the weekend. Again. So, once more, I'm "done", pending PET certification in three weeks.

I'm actually a bit hesitant now about considering any of this "over" until I have the scan results in hand. I'm not *worried* about it, really. Treatment was working, things were progressing in the right direction, just not as quickly as we'd hoped for. If it turns out we're *still* not done, I can certainly push through a bit more to get there.

I'm just reluctant to let it go, to relax and focus on building myself back a bit physically, to celebrate having beaten the damned thing, until I'm sure that's actually happened. Definitively. Kinda like (though nowhere near as intense) the uncertainty from early on, before my biopsy confirmed what we were dealing with. I just want to *know*.

Aereyal, on the other hand, has the champagne on ice *now*. :-7